By Lisa M. Belisle, MD, MPH
Originally published May/June 2009, Parent & Family

I gave birth to my oldest child fifteen years ago. Once I gave him the gift of life, my husband and I followed this by giving him nourishment, shelter and attention. As the years have passed, we have given him countless hours of our time and dollars out of our wallets. We’ve done the same for our daughters. Why? Because we love our children, and we recognize that ultimately parenting is about giving. It is about making our children our top priority.

Sometimes making our children our top priority means that we must reign in our desire to give them everything. While children deserve our time and attention, they really don’t need all the material things they claim to want. What they need instead is role modeling, consistency and education. They need caring arms to hold them. They need help navigating through this uncertain life.

Divorce, illness, death: these are a few of the very real issues that kids may be asked to address in this uncertain life. As I mentioned in my November 2008 column, Books as Companions: Easing the Woes of the World, books are one way to help children deal with challenging situations. Books can also be useful for adults who wish to assist their children in times of transition—for parents and caregivers who understand the importance of “keeping kids first.”

Recently I had the privilege of reading two books that focus on “keeping kids first” during transitional times. Both were created by highly regarded local organizations. One, A Family’s Journey: A Handbook for Living with Illness and Finding Hope, was published by Maine’s Center for Grieving Children. The other, aptly named Kids First: What Kids Want Grown-ups to Know About Separation & Divorce, was written by the KidsFirst Center in Portland. (See Resources, below.)

There are many similarities between A Family’s Journey and Kids First. Both recognize that keeping kids first requires a sense of strength that we often do not feel. Using stories about other families’ divorces and illnesses, they enable us realize that we are not alone. They also give us insight into what our children might be experiencing, and how to deal with this.

The primary message of both books is how best to communicate with our children. As child-life specialist Kathleen McCue is quoted as saying in A Family’s Journey, “Children always know...or at least, they always know something.” When we don’t give them the right information, at the right time, they are liable to come to their own conclusions. They may blame themselves for their parents’ divorce, or the illness of a sibling.

How should we approach the topics of divorce, illness and death with our children? This depends upon their age and developmental stage. While all kids need ‘the facts,’ these must be tailored to their level of understanding. Discussions must also allow for an exploration of each child’s feelings. A Family’s Journey offers activities such as Scream Box and Worry Beads to make this type of communication easier.
Communication is especially important in divorce. As Kids First points out, “Ongoing conflict is the number one negative impact on kids.” Kids First, according to Andrew Schepard, Professor of Law and Director of Hofstra University’s Center for Children, Families and the Law  is “a call to parental peacemaking while families reorganize.” It is a call to recognize that parenting is about keeping kids first, whether or not we think we are capable of doing so.

Keeping kids first can be a daunting task even in the best of times. When life becomes uncertain, we are fortunate to have books such as A Family’s Journey and Kids First to help us give our children the guidance they need. We are also fortunate to have the chance to make our children our top priority: this may be the greatest gift we will ever receive.

For more insights on parenting, visit Dr. Belisle's website.

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RESOURCES:

BOOKS FOR FAMILIES

A Family’s Journey: A Handbook for Living with Illness and Finding Hope by Patricia Ellen, Ginny Keegan and Frankie Odom, (Center for Grieving Children, 2007).  www.cgcmaine.org

Kids First: What Kids Want Grown-ups to Know About Separation & Divorce by KidsFirst Center, Portland, Maine (Tower Publishing, 2008). www.kidsfirstcenter.org

Raising Readers Recommends
Fear: Scaredy Squirrel by Melanie Watt (Kids Can Press, 2008)
Loss: When Dinosaurs Die by Laurie Krasny Brook (Little, Brown, 1998)
Thank You, Grandpa by Lynn Plourde (Dutton Juvenile, 2003)
Separation: Two Homes by Clair Masurel (Candlewick, 2003)
The Hello, Goodbye Window by Norton Juster (Michael Di Capua Books, 2005)

MaineHealth Learning Resource Centers,  1-866-609-5183