Listening—Dr. Lisa Belisle

Listening:
Lather, Rinse, Repeat

by Lisa M. Belisle, MD, MPH
Originally printed September 2008, Parent & Family

My son is a sophomore in high school. Our conversations usually revolve around his requests, such as “Can I get a ride?” and “Can I have some money?” My daughters are in seventh and second grade. Our conversations typically are much longer. We discuss their friends, their activities and what is going on in the world. I can’t dictate what my children tell me, or how long it takes. But I can listen to their stories respectfully, just as I hope they will listen to other people’s stories respectfully. When we listen, we learn things about others, and sometimes, things about ourselves.

Much of what we learn in our lives comes from our relationships with others. This can be a mixed blessing—and it starts when we are quite young. All of us carry stories from our childhood. We carry biological, emotional and social stories, both helpful and harmful. In my July article, I discussed “Curing Lopsided Life Syndrome.” Lopsided lives start with lopsided life patterns.

Understanding our stories, and the stories of others, can help us recognize potentially lopsided life patterns. Our earliest biological, emotional and social stories are from our parents. We come from their bodies and/or from their homes. Once we become parents ourselves, we introduce our children to our stories, which, of course, are also the stories of our parents. Everyone is woven into everyone else’s story. As scholar Joseph Campbell once said, “A great number of things round about, on every side, are causing what is happening now. Everything, all the time, is causing everything else.” The Buddhists call this idea ‘mutual arising.’

Mutual arising recognizes that we never stop developing as humans. Our role as parents is to be present during our children’s early development, just as our parents were present during our early development. Our children have an equally important role. They are present during our later development, just as we were (and are) present during our parents’ later development. All of us are developing together.

Understanding how our parents’ lives developed can be incredibly helpful as we seek to uncover how we have ‘mutually arisen,’ and look for lopsided patterns. It can also be incredibly difficult. Sometimes we don’t want to hear what our parents have to tell us. And sometimes we want to jump in with our own thoughts or judgments. But we must refrain from this. As Epitectus once said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

I believe we should listen more than twice as often, and speak mainly when asking questions. Start with some of the “Suggested Starter Questions” (see sidebar). Then listen. Listen. Listen. Nod, smile (if possible) and thank your parents for sharing. Don’t react—just accept the feelings that occur. Then go for your solitary walk (see July’s column). Reflect on what you have heard. Write about it. Think “lather, rinse, repeat.” Do these things again and again, until lopsided patterns appear, and you are able to work with them without feeling hurt or stuck.

Once you can work with past patterns, you will be able to create new, less lopsided future patterns. Start with the patterns you are creating with your children. Walk with them (see May’s column “Walking the Walk”). Listen to their stories. Nod, smile (if possible) and thank them for sharing.

For a while you will feel as if you’re simply a repository of stories.

But being a repository of stories is a great blessing. When you listen to others, you are practicing compassion. The word compassion means “suffer with.” It does not mean “have pity for,” or “rescue others from,” their suffering. It simply means being present with them in their suffering; having empathy. Suffering with others is an act of great love. It is also a gift to ourselves. If we can suffer with others, we have the ability to work with our own suffering. Then we can start restructuring our lopsided lives.

We can also help our children structure their lives, so that they proceed in a less lopsided fashion. And, as we continue to ‘mutually arise,’ we can model the behavior of learning from others. We can listen respectfully as we hear about our children’s’ friends, their activities and what is going on in the world. We can listen respectfully even when our only communication with our teenagers revolves around the question, “Mom, Can I get a ride?”

For more information on “Curing Lopsided Life Syndrome,” visit www.bountiful-blog.com.